Different, but one

Holding you is like holding a part of me. Outside of me but not vulnerable. It possesses a certain strong character--something that depicts strong emotions.

Looking at your eyes, I see my own reflection. The feelings extracted through the windows of your soul seem to emit the same feelings I do have.

The feel, the touch, our skin colliding, it feels like founding yourself in the body of a different person.

Different, but one in heart.

Our differences

"I'm too busy with my work, hindi na kita nabibigyan ng time."

Kahit na personal na lakad ito, sinamahan niya ako magpacheck up sa sakit ko (since high school).

Masaya naman ako, kasi nalulungkot talaga ako kapag sobrang busy siya. Though, I understand him. Really. Pero nakakasad din kasi minsan na wala siyang time para sa akin.

I know that he's doing what he can do. Chat. Text. Calls. But there's no better way of knowing each other than to be together personally, di ba?

It's weird. I know that in this trip, he'd see me. A glimpse of the real me. Lalo na yung part na takot ako sa karayom.

True enough, he has seen a glimpse of not just me, but also of our differences.

He's on polo.I'm on t-shirt.

He's on black shoes.I'm on sneakers. 

He has a hanky.I don't.

But our differences, like in his words, is what compliments us.

I suddenly remember a portion of my love letter for my future (nung hindi ko pa siya kilala) that I wrote for a writing competition:

"You know, life is so different without you. Or maybe, it is going to be more different when you are with me—different in some sort of a good way. I guess difference depends on how we deal with what life has given us, I guess, love is a difference. It has to be one, because it gives us a different feeling of being the most different person, together. I love being different with you."

And true to it's sense. I love our differences... We complete each other. :)

Things he found out about me today:

• My worst case of wrong sense of direction
• Poor debating skills (for he's good at it)
• Stubborn attitude when we talk about desserts.

Despite this...

I love how he says "I love you" a couple of times, while looking intently in my eyes.

I love how he looks at me, asking me (obliging me) to stop eating sweets for it will worsen my cough.

I love how we worries about me.

I love how I saw him sleeping while waiting for me. It took me awhile to wake him up for I have to grab that opportunity to look at the details of his face, freely.

I love how he'd tease me, then say "I love you" again, while looking at me, then we'll laugh together.

We'll just laugh. The sincere one. The laugh that craves for more. 

Then he'll tease me. He'll tease me for the sake of nothing. He'll tease me, but with sweetness. And every time I'd try to tease him too, he'd say "I love you", which I think would mean, "Shut up". Haha! And before I know it, I'd just shut up, smile, and say nothing.

Even though my mind is shouting out the reply.

I'll just smile. Look at his eyes, then look away.

I don't know if I just can't stand his mesmerizing eyes, or I just can't let him see me---see me say those words in my mind.

And even if we had conflict the night before that, we were able to easily shrug it off. Being with each other is what matters most. And that the time we spend together is a time well spent.

Love letter

I wrote this love letter more than a year ago for a love letter writing competition. Syempre hindi ako nanalo. :) Pero okay na rin, kasi proud akong sabihin na hindi ako in love nung sinulat ko 'to. Salamat sa dalawang romantic movie na pinanood ko para magkaroon ng motivation.

Salamat din sa National Book Development Board na naging daan para maka-experience ako ng mga ganitong bagay. :)

Spread the love! <3

Photo (c): NBDB

Hi J

I was thinking about you today, that’s why I am writing this letter. I was imagining things, hoping that we are together right now. You know, I’ve got a lot of stories to tell, corny jokes to laugh at (in which you are required to laugh, or else…), rants and rages to burst out. It’s really hard (and weird) to do this on my own. I wanted to be with you. I wish you do, too.

You know, life is so different without you. Or maybe, it is going to be more different when you are with me—different in some sort of a good way. I guess difference depends on how we deal with what life has given us, I guess, love is a difference. It has to be one, because it gives us a different feeling of being the most different person, together. I love being different with you.

The thought ‘Time heals’ is a cliché, but on my part, I was hoping that it really is. Every tick of the clock kills me. It kills me that another day will pass without you. That I have to wait for another day, hoping that there you will be, at the doorstep, holding a bunch of white roses, greeting me with ‘hi’, and the day goes, just me and you, staring at each other’s face, as if it was the very first time.

Yes, time for me does not heal. It hurts me even more, yet I’m holding on to the fact that I am not waiting in vain, I am waiting for you.

Maybe love gives us an unexplainable feeling of happiness. I haven’t met you, but the thought of being with you gives me not just butterflies in my stomach, but also birds singing in my head, chirping their songs of love, as if they feel what I feel. Constantly reminding of my very reason of existence—you.

You know what, most of the time, I get lost in my dreams, actually mostly in my nightmares. I don’t know if you are going to accept me for who I am when we meet. Specially when you get to know me.

You see, I’ve been to many distresses in life. I have a nightmare that haunts me to forever. Yet deep inside, despite what happened to me, despite having a little angel tagged along in my life now, I am and is still looking forward for a ‘happy even after’ story.

I am afraid that my nightmare wouldn’t stop. I am afraid that there will be a time that you would make my past to be a reason not to love me. I am afraid to lose you. But I am hoping that you will be my dream catcher—someone who will make my dreams come true, or maybe together we’ll make it.

As early as now, I wanted to say sorry. I wanted to ask for your forgiveness. I am sorry for not waiting for you. I am sorry for falling into someone that I thought was you. Sorry if I wasn’t able to preserve that one thing a woman should give to only one man. I am truly sorry. I hope you would forgive me. I hope that even after that fall, I will still see you, with your eyes full of acceptance.

I wish I could forget those memories and make a fresh start with you. But I guess it has already been a part of my life. I consider it instead as a preparation when I meet you. I love you so much, even though I haven’t felt it at the moment. I know I am going to love you more than all the love combined in the entire world. I love you, and that is all what’s going to matter. I’d love you now, until we meet.

If only I could follow you wherever you are, I’d do. But I don’t even know where you are. They said that the world is sometimes small. But I guess we aren’t talking about space here. Our love isn’t about how far or near. It’s about time—of when and where and how. ‘Cause our love, though it has never met, was longing, was hoping... our hearts—it will find each other, beyond time.

See you in the future my dearest. I’m really excited on how we are going to meet. How are we going to start or will we realize from the very start that it was ‘us’ that we are looking for all these years? Will we meet in the best or the worst moment of our lives? Is it possible that I have seen you before?

I don’t know.

If the time comes that a time machine will be invented, I promise not to peek into our ‘perfect time’. I wanted it to be a surprise. I wanted to be unprepared. I wanted to feel the natural feeling of falling in love.

When that day comes, I hope that it won’t be the end, yet the start of our own forever.

I love you my dear. And I promise to wait. I promise to endure the pain as the time ticks over and over. ‘Cause after all this pain, when I see you, it’s going to be worth it. I know.

I love you, my one and only. When those nightmares are gone, I’d believe that my dream catcher has finally come.

I’d hear the birds sing, I’d feel the butterflies around us. They’ll celebrate our unity, and together, we will fly to forever.

PS.

This letter was written before we meet. I wanted you to know in the future how excited I was to meet you. I love you, my dearest. I will, ‘til our forever meets no end.

PPS.

I chose to write you a letter, because I can no longer find another person whose worth to write for than my future husband. J

PPSS.

I wanted to say more, but I’ll reserve it when we meet. See you then! J

Excited to meet you,

Gazelle Marcaida-(insert surname of my future husband here)

Your future wife J